eating disorders.

I have come to the conclusion I have an eating disorder. It's not extreme like anorexia nervosa or bulimia. It peaked, like a disorder such as this has a tendency to, when I was 17. I would only eat enough to keep me from passing out from low blood sugar levels, which was sometimes only a grape or a peice of a vegan candy bar such as Chic-o-Stix. I occassionally munched on fresh vegetables from the toppings bar at the major pizza chain where I worked. There were months that I did this on end, without allowing myself any sort of binge except when I ate half a bag of dried fruit some nights. I always thought it was my way of controlling myself when everyone else was trying to control me.

Lately, I see a pattern of excessive eating and excessive hunger I allow myself to partake in. Sometimes, I go weeks with a highly controlled appetite, and others I cannot help but have four portions of dinner followed by five cookies. Within the past week or so, in trying to level out my appetite, I have found myself eating meager breakfasts and lunches and gorging at dinner time. I told my mother today that I was concerned with my appetite, and she said, like it was no big deal, "You've always been like that, since you were a kid. Sometimes eating a lot, then hardly eating anything at all." I look at pictures from my childhood and see the pattern shown in my weight. I see pictures when I was chubby, then when I was unusually skinny, sometimes from the same year, and that scares me. As an adult, I thought I could fix myself when I married Raul because he was always telling me to keep eating and not worry about my weight. When I gained 15 pounds in eight months, I hardly recognized myself. I had eaten and drinken myself past my own recognition. Looking at pictures of myself from that time, I am frightened by my weight.